Graceful Life Philosophies

How Stoicism Helps

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This week I’ll discuss a few ideas from Stoicism and how they helped me during my deconstruction and eventual deconversion.

Before I do, I’d like to follow up on something I wrote earlier. In “Intro: Stoicism for Deconstructors,” I wrote:

It’s not my goal to “convert” you or convince you but to inform you. Stoicism is not one-size-fits-all, and I can’t know you like you know you. But having some conscious philosophy of life is essential.

I want to backpedal a bit: I’m not prepared to say that coming to some concrete philosophy of life is essential. It may be that for a long while, we need to spend our energy recovering from a lifetime of unreasonable expectations while being the best people we can be without overthinking it.

I will say that having a conscious philosophy of life can make answering some questions much easier, add richness and depth to your life, and help you on your way to tranquility.

Now on to Stoicism.

What is Philosophy?

At some point, I realized I needed to leave church, but I didn’t know where to begin. It seemed so overwhelming. Thankfully, I had already started reading the Stoics, and they have opinions on where to begin.

The Stoics and other ancients believed that philosophy was the “art of living.” People who lived deliberately and reflected on their lives were philosophers. Very different from the current perspective that treats philosophy as a purely academic discipline.

The art of living requires knowledge, so they encouraged learning theory, but it didn’t matter until you put it into practice.

Why does this matter?

Many of us grew up in a context where we were told the rules and expected to follow them. Losing that set of rules can be bewildering, to say the least. Learning to think differently about the art of living can help us make sense of an uncertain and constantly changing world.

Excellence of Character

When I was in the throes of deconstruction, especially after I realized I would have to leave the church, I can’t say I was thinking much about meaning. I was in survival mode. However, after I finally resigned my church membership, I realized I had to learn how to build community for myself and make my own meaning. For me, the Stoics provided a great starting place.

The Stoics believed that excellence of character, being the best human you can be, was the goal of life. They thought you would achieve eudaimonia, or flourishing, if you pursued this goal.

In Intro: Stoicism for Deconstructors, I wrote:

Humans are rational and social, so to be the best human we can, we must pursue excellence of character first by getting better at thinking clearly, and by practicing living well, especially in the context of the people and world around us.

This means to live a fulfilling life, we need to develop our character in the service of those around us and, ultimately, humanity.

It also means ethical action is centered around our character, not some rules handed to us thousands of years ago and interpreted by other people. Ethics, not mere obedience.

Why does this matter?

Since Stoicism is a kind of Humanism, it gives us a place in this world and provides us a tribe. At a fundamental level, there is no Us and Them. We’re all in this together. Stoicism gives us a practical way of working through that reality and helps us adopt all of humanity as our own.

All this gives us something significant to live for: the betterment of the human race. It’s actionable and direct. As we work on our character, we can see the benefits immediately as we benefit the people around us. In the words of the band Gojira, “When you change yourself, you change the world.”

Making the growth of my character a primary goal has been very fulfilling, not to mention clarifying.

Sorting Emotions

In my circles of Christianity, emotions weren’t talked about much except to warn about how untrustworthy they were. Making sense of these emotions was not a thing that was taught very much other than to direct people to prayer.

The Stoics distinguished between some key concepts:

  • Impressions. These are mental representations of the world around you. Things like “That cake would be good to eat.” or “That person is angry at you.” You can’t control these impressions.
  • Response to the impressions. These are either “yes,” “no,” or “maybe.” You can control this response.
  • Emotions. These result from that response and push you to some action. Sometimes this action is only to get upset. You can control these emotions.

Like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Stoics believed that your emotions are often the result of underlying beliefs.

Also, having a concept like “impressions,” which aren’t up to you, gives you a place to put intrusive thoughts, knee-jerk reactions, and other emotional-related things that aren’t under your power.

Why does this matter?

This one has been so powerful for me. I no longer feel guilty for intrusive thoughts (like unwanted sexual thoughts or imagining pushing someone over a cliff). These days I just roll my eyes and move on. No longer do I feel completely helpless to address my emotional difficulties. I can rely on the practices of Stoicism and problem-solving from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to address the underlying issues leading to the emotions that I am having trouble with.

Planning for Setbacks

I think people generally don’t do a lot of planning for setbacks, so when they happen, they are often caught flatfooted. I don’t think Christianity is unique regarding this lack of preparation.

Because the Stoics realized it was difficult to address emotional issues in the moment, they took as much action as they could to prepare for future challenges. One way they did this was through the premeditatio malorum, or premeditation of ills.

The idea was to imagine vividly some negative thing happening, then imagine yourself handling it successfully. By the time the event came around, you’d have taken some of the sting away and bought yourself some space to manage it more wisely.

(This can be abused. If a company CEO is planning unjust layoffs and uses this technique to reduce the sting of feeling bad about hurting a bunch of fellow humans, that CEO is not being virtuous, even though they might be imitating something the Stoics did. They are not practicing Stoicism.)

Why does this matter?

This premeditation is an example of the pragmatism that I like about Stoicism. Christianity tends to spiritualize everything and, therefore, often doesn’t have consistent or reliable ways of addressing real-life issues.

Conclusion

There’s so much more, but my main goal here has been to introduce you to some of the ways Stoics think about life. Hopefully, this has been helpful to you!

We are nearly done with Stoicism for now, but I would like to spend a couple of posts talking about some practical, specific Stoic ideas.

Intro: Stoicism for Deconstructors

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Several years ago, I realized I probably no longer believed. Nothing looked different on the outside, but internally, the bottom had dropped out of my world. Eventually, I settled into a steady state of teetering between trying to regain my faith and faking it to get by. My morning devotional times devolved to reading Ecclesiastes on repeat—the only book I could tolerate. At some point, I realized I really wasn’t going back and that, for my own sanity, I had to exit.

Around that time, someone close to me suggested reading the Stoics in the morning, which I did. I found a philosophy designed to be a way of life, a way of making sense of the world, providing community, and doing better. Most of all, I found a philosophy that helped me solve the immediate problems in my life.

When I’d been a Christian, there were several “besetting sins” in my life that I had made no headway on for years. When I started studying Stoicism, half of them disappeared (though that probably had more to do with chilling out instead of perseverating, which is the Christian way). For the other half, I started making serious progress. Coming out of a “pray and wait” mindset was a relief.

When I started trying to figure out how to exit my church context (not high-demand, but relatively intense nonetheless), having philosophy around helped me consider how to balance competing concerns (the need to get out and the need to be good to my family), how to be kind in my speech, how to prepare myself to reduce harm to my mental health, how to keep becoming a better person, etc. Stoicism was super helpful during one of my life’s most challenging times.

Intro to the Series

Last week I wrote about graceful life philosophies, “secular religions,” that help people make sense of a world without conservative religion. I’m planning to explore a few of them here on the blog, in hopes that they’ll be helpful to you.

It’s not my goal to “convert” you or convince you but to inform you. Stoicism is not one-size-fits-all, and I can’t know you like you know you. But having some conscious philosophy of life is essential.

What Is Stoicism?

First, Stoicism (the philosophy) is not stoicism (“indifference to pleasure or pain”). Like Epicureanism, Cynicism, and Materialism, everyday use has taken on a negative, or at least inaccurate, meaning.

Stoicism is a life philosophy aimed at becoming the best human you can be. Humans are rational and social, so to be the best human we can, we must pursue excellence of character first by getting better at thinking clearly, and by practicing living well, especially in the context of the people and world around us. Achieving this excellence of character involves learning three things: How the world works, how to think, and how to act. It also involves active training: How to want the right things, how to choose appropriate actions, and how to feel the best emotions.

This summary is “wrong” because it’s oversimplifying and missing a lot, but I think it’s a helpful start. I’ve purposefully omitted many things that people associate with Stoicism because while they might be recommended practices, they must be practiced in the context of excellence of character and cosmopolitanism. Without the core, they’re just life-hacks.

Why I Appreciate Stoicism as a Deconstructor

Most of all, it’s practical. It’s about being a better person and doing the work to get there without the level of idealism that Christianity has.

It’s also rich. Most of the original texts are long gone. Still, we have a large body of work available to read from across a couple hundred years, not to mention all the work that has followed in modern times. Getting into the Stoics has been an enriching adventure into the world of ancient philosophy. For those of us in the West, it’s had a massive influence on our history… people like Augustine, Thomas Aquinas, and even the apostle Paul were influenced by Stoicism.

For those that need/want it, it does have a spiritual dimension. The word logos from John 1:1 is a Greek philosophical idea and is used all over the place in Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations. It refers to that pervading sense of order and unity in the universe. This idea doesn’t have to be accurate to be helpful, and I appreciate it.

Stoicism helps you come to terms with your own inevitable death and the death of others, which in turn helps free you from many fears.

Last but not least, it’s open to revision. There are core principles that make an idea Stoic, but at the same time, there’s nothing sacred about Stoicism itself. Many philosophers today are working through how to bring Stoic ideas to modern people in light of things we’ve learned in science and a worldview that tries to avoid magical thinking.

Next Posts

I’ll write at least a couple more posts on Stoicism. If you want to hear more, let me know in the comments. Also, let me know if you have specific questions, and I’ll try to answer them.

After that, I’ll be taking on Epicureanism.

Resources

  • My summary of Stoicism is heavily inspired by the work of Tanner Campbell and Kai Whiting (through Practical Stoicism) and Massimo Pigliucci (through his many books and articles). I recommend them heartily.
  • For books, I can recommend a couple as introductions:

Get You a Graceful Life Philosophy

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Without religion, how do you find meaning? How do you live well? How do you find out how to live well? What is life about, anyway?

Secular Religion

Throughout her book Doubt: A History, Jennifer Michael Hecht weaves the idea of a “graceful-life philosophy.” These life philosophies are formed after a region becomes more cosmopolitan—many cultures living next to each other. Since you can’t escape being confronted with challenges to your own beliefs, this confrontation of views leads to doubting whatever your accepted religion is. But losing your religion, eating, drinking, and being merry aren’t satisfying for most people. The graceful life philosophies provide that meaning. In fact, Hecht calls them “secular religions” since they serve many of the functions of religions.

This week I’d like to talk about these “graceful life philosophies.” In future posts, I’ll talk about how to go about adopting such a philosophy. If you’re anything like me, you might get overwhelmed by the quantity of choices. I recommend starting with curiosity. “Oh, that’s interesting,” instead of, “I need to get started now!!”

The following “secular religions” provide answers, or at least guidelines for:

  • Making sense of how the world works.
  • What life is about; what’s the big picture.
  • What we should spend our time doing.
  • What it means to live life well.
  • How to handle life’s challenges.
  • How to prepare for death.

Examples

Some philosophies of life are more fully-formed and can replace religion for most things. Not only how do you pursue a good life, but also how to live with others, how to eat, dress, etc. They may provide community and events. Examples include:

  • Stoicism: fulfillment and happiness come from living according to our nature as humans. This happens when we live as the best humans we can: thinking and acting rationally and living for the good of ourselves and others.
  • Non-theistic Buddhism: you should pursue the Eightfold Path toward a better life for you and those around you.
  • Epicureanism: pursuing pleasure and avoiding pain are natural and normal, so go with the grain and do that well. You can achieve ataraxia (mental and emotional tranquility) if you do.
  • Secular/atheistic versions of established religions, like Christianity, Islam, or Judaism

Some philosophies may be less fully formed but might form the solid core of a life philosophy you build yourself over time. The fact is, we all cobble together our own philosophies of life as we gain experience. These might provide fewer answers to mundane questions about how to eat, dress, etc., but they’re helpful places to begin. Examples of these partial philosophies include:

  • Secular Humanism: We’re human, so let’s work to develop and help humanity and the world around us.
  • The teachings of Ecclesiastes: There is no absolute meaning, no life after death, but life is still good, and one’s own work is good. (Doubt, a History, p78)
  • Existentialism: Ut is up to each individual to create her own meaning and values in life by engaging in the world, by pushing back against oppressions that threaten to limit our possibilities and by getting out there and doing things—not just contemplating what you might do. (How to Be Authentic, Skye Cleary, xii)
  • Absurdism: There is no intrinsic meaning, but we crave meaning anyway. We must face this absurdity by constantly keeping it in front of us and acting against it, living life to the fullest. (The Myth of Sysiphus, Albert Camus, throughout)
  • Pragmatism: What works is more important than what accurately reflects a complex, incomprehensible reality (How to Live a Good Life, p245 and following)
  • Effective Altruism: We should dedicate at least some of our resources to making the world a better place and ensure these resources get put to the best uses they can. (How to Live a Good Life, p256)
  • The Satanic Temple: “The mission of The Satanic Temple is to encourage benevolence and empathy, reject tyrannical authority, advocate practical common sense, oppose injustice, and undertake noble pursuits.” (The Satanic Temple website)

Even the teachings of Jesus could be included here if you ignore 2000 years of religious cruft. In his book Jesus for the Non-Religious (which I haven’t read), John Shelby Spong describes Jesus as breaking tribal and religious boundaries and prejudices.

Starting to Get Started

As you’re coming out of religion, wondering what to do, it may be worth learning about various philosophies of life. Here are a couple caveats to bear in mind:

  • You are not behind! You’re not starting from scratch.
  • There’s no race to some finish line. This is about your life, so you can take the necessary time.
  • None of the philosophies are perfect. They all have limitations.
  • They are not one-size-fits-all. You will build your own philosophy of life anyway, and it may be cobbled together from multiple. My philosophy is a strong dose of Stoicism, plus a good helping of Christianity, Epicureanism, Buddhism, and Skepticism.
  • Learn to distinguish life-hack from a life philosophy. We’ll get more into this over time.

Resources

Jump in where you are!

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Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what’s left and live it properly.

Meditations of Marcus Aurelius, 7.56.

‘I wish it need not have happened in my time,’ said Frodo.
‘So do I,’ said Gandalf, ‘and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.’

Fellowship of the Ring, p43

You Are Not Behind! Jump in where you are!

FlyLady

Last week I talked about the fact that you have it within yourself to grow your character the way you want. Once you have accepted this, what comes next?

One of the things that overwhelmed me at the beginning of my deconstruction was the fact that so many years had gone by. Wasted. I felt like I was starting from scratch, having misspent my adolescence and adult life so far.

As I was deconstructing, I was exposed early to the philosophy of Stoicism. The Marcus Aurelius quotation above was one of the most helpful things that came up during my initial exposure.

The sunk cost fallacy is the idea that time or other resources already spent should not matter when it comes to decision-making. The fact that time has gone and you cannot get it back means there’s nothing you can do about it. In turn, those facts should not be used when making decisions.

A classic example is standing in line: say you’ve been in line for an hour. Sunk cost fallacy says you should keep staying in line.. you don’t want to “waste” the hour you’ve spent. But whether you stay in line or not, that hour is gone. The sunk cost fallacy leads to bad decision making.

If you can get out of line and achieve what you want even faster, that’s what you should do. It’s better to think, “Starting from here and now, what do I have to spend to achieve what I want?” as if you hadn’t spent anything at all yet.

This is a powerful idea to understand. Let’s apply it to our lives.

Marcus is doing what cognitive behavioral therapists call reframing: he’s choosing a helpful new way to view his current situation. All his life so far is sunk, and he can’t get it back. The decisions have been made and are set in stone.

The TV show “Alone” involves people being dropped into a survival situation with limited tools. It doesn’t do them much good to complain about all the tools they don’t have. Instead, what’s important is to figure out what to do with what they have right now.

Frodo wishes he wasn’t in the situation he was in. Gandalf wisely points out that he doesn’t get that choice, but he does get to decide what to do next.

When I look at my life as if it’s a series of successive moments, one event happening after another, I’m free to look at the past as history. It becomes something I can learn from instead of something that has to keep affecting my present life. The past becomes a kind of property, a thing I have–maybe even a thing I was given–rather than a thing I am. I can’t change the past, but I can make decisions that affect my future.

So as you go forward into the rest of your life, working on character, friendships, and all the things that go into a well-lived life, start with this: Begin again.