Finding Secular Community

Blog Posts, Communities of Unbelief, Deconversion, Secular Community

This week we have a post from a Deconversion Anoymous community member.

Every deconvert with an experience of lost, lapsed or damaged relationships over matters of faith has another–likely ongoing–story about the challenge of finding community and friendships afterwards.  There are headwinds here.  While faith change is a growing demographic, it’s still a  niche experience to expect to bond over, and societal trends make socialization more difficult for everyone, especially as adults.

There’s not a prescriptive solution.  Everyone has different personalities, abilities, motivations and circumstances.  Someone with religious trauma or other deficits might need the support of a mental health professional before they feel comfortable moving forward.  Someone in a precarious personal situation might need to prioritize stability.  Someone with a family will have to navigate unique tensions and responsibilities.  Success isn’t equitable, may be hard to recognize and may not come early or predictably.  But curiosity and a flexible mindset can help weather disappointment.  Some of it does come down to luck, but self-understanding and persistent determination improve the odds.

In practical terms, here are some things worth considering:

Podcasts

Podcasts are not tailored to our individual needs, and the parasocial affinity we may feel with creators is not a true relationship.  But a collection of trusted, predictable voices can be comforting and provide a sense of inspiration or solidarity when things feel lonely and bleak.

Online Communities

The best podcasts attract likeminded people, and attached online communities are a great way to meet them.  Book clubs and other topical online groups can be similarly selective.  Be adventurous…these spaces may exist on platforms you might not regularly use (reddit, discord, etc.).

This isn’t a panacea.  Not everyone has the technical comfort or time/patience to systematically hunt for new spaces.  Privacy/safety may be a concern.  Demographics aren’t always a good fit.  It can take a lot of effort to participate to a sufficient degree to understand whether something is worthwhile.

It can also feel like there’s a ceiling to the benefit of online interaction.  Chatting with random people is less connecting than with people you recognize.  Text can be impersonal compared to audio or video.  It’s good to consider the constructive social bandwidth of a medium relative to the time we invest in it.

Conferences / Retreats

The national conferences of groups like American Atheists, American Humanist Association, Americans United, etc. (as well as many regional conferences) are great places to put faces to names you might have only met online.  Even if you only meet someone once or if you only run into them at conventions, that can still greatly enrich the sense of connection in interactions continued online.  Travel and expense are considerations, but it’s often worth the effort if it means being able to expand your circle.  Retreats and get-togethers organized by smaller groups can also be worthwhile, though it can be intimidating to trust people you haven’t met.

Meetup / Nextdoor

The quality and relevance of local community listings varies drastically.  Finding something that’s relevant to deconstruction, active and interesting can feel incredibly random, but it’s important to check and keep checking.  Groups form all the time, and widening your criteria to things that may not be specific but still adjacent to other interests can yield unexpected connections.  Keep in mind that people may be organizing under a variety of terms.  Try: atheist, agnostic, freethinker, humanist, deconversion, etc.  Also, look for local groups and forums on more general social platforms.  If it’s focused on your area, then others are finding it too, and if you don’t see what you want, post yourself to see if it connects with anyone.

Congregations

People who leave church usually aren’t immediately interested in another church, but the benefits of congregational organization are hard to replicate.  There may be church-like groups such as Unitarian Universalists that are worth considering.  Many have webcasts so you can see what you might be getting into before visiting.

There are also secular groups like Oasis or Sunday Assembly to be aware of, but their spread is limited.

Volunteering

Civic service, mutual aid and other goal-oriented involvement are great ways to meet new people in a constructive environment.  It can be hard if these seem dominated by religious groups (even if they’re “progressive”) but it’s worth looking at a directory like https://www.volunteermatch.org/ or secular organizations like https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org/ for opportunities.

Networking / Directories

The best source of information for local community is often locals who have already done that work.  It doesn’t hurt to try reaching out to any secular people you learn of in your area for advice.

There are secularly-oriented social media and directories that might help you find some of these connections:

Unlike church, secular community is rarely a one-stop destination.  You may need to rely on a more eclectic group of supports and validations than you expect, but in the process you’ll become a more rounded person with skills and perspective that will help surpass this change and ones yet to come.

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